I am not who I see when I look in the mirror, nor was I when I was my most beautiful or thin. So then who am I? I have always been in search of this mystical character that I know resides within. Yet no matter how hard I try sometimes, I can only see a glimmer of her when I am grounded and centered or meditating. I have spent years of my life watching others from the sideline living the life I thought I was meant to have, only to find out that their life was an illusion as well.
I guess my first memory of feeling “different” was at age 5. I desperately wanted a pair of Gloria Vanderbilt velvet jeans. My mother could not afford to buy them, nor could I fit into them the way the other kids did. I was rapidly becoming overweight as a result of my sadness over my father leaving to start a new family with his girlfriend. I was awkwardly one of the tallest girls in the class and 1 of 2 of black students in the whole school other than my brother. As if that wasn’t enough, we were really poor living in one of the riches communities in California; I guess this is where self-loathing begins.
Food became both a confidant and my worst enemy. I spent years struggling for self-control, deciding what I should or shouldn’t eat, or forgoing eating all together. About age 15 I learned that by starving myself I could lose weight quite drastically, but coupled with vomiting it was on! Fortunately for me, where I grew up this type of behavior was not admonished, but admired and encouraged by friends. So, I thought I had found the answer to my problems. While that particular destructive behavior didn’t last long, it was quickly replaced with obsessive workouts, cocaine, crystal meth and promiscuous sex. Come on it was the 80’s for crying out loud!
So to feed the demon I got a job at a local gym, taught aerobics at my high school and sniffed away my desire to eat. By Divine Guidance, I learned a few things while working at the gym, specifically the importance of proper nutrition and exercise. Through the application of a structured program, I could control what I thought to be the uncontrollable. By age 21 I quit all major drug use and was living a healthy lifestyle in Los Angeles. With a new environment and circle of friends I realized that there was nowhere go, I was already there. But I didn’t really understand what that meant in the big picture, but it was a start.
We are on an evolutionary path from the moment of incarnation. Throughout our lives, there seems to be preset markers that enable us to reawaken to a higher level of understanding. What is so evident now is that it was never about the debaucherous behavior or my external appearance, it was about my lack of self-worth. I was stuffing the fear: fear of loneliness; fear of poverty; of not being loved or finding love; most of all fear of more of the same. By continually masking the pain, I couldn’t clear the energy that so desperately wanted to be sent back to the universe as love and forgiveness. The ego has its own agenda, encouraging the subconscious to relive mental imprints of the past in the present situations. They resurface with a slightly different fragrance until healed. These sneaky memories ruminate in the dark corners of our minds just waiting for the next trigger to bring back good old conditioned responses.
Today I confidently stand armed in anticipation of a new revelation, which will help me traverse to the next level of ascension, thus strengthening connection to my higher-self and God. I now actively seek out the spirits that hide in dark corners and feed on my fear. I love them dearly for the lessons they bring, for without them I can’t be me. All the events of my life have brought me to this moment, building strength and courage, so that I may give back to others who are still suffering in silence. So if this resonates, please know that you are not alone. I hear your internal screams, but not with my ears but with my heart. You see, we are all intertwined on some unknown realm awaiting reconnection to each other and our Celestial Source, we just forget the way.